What? Surrender? Like give up?
No
When there is an upset, there is tension. Tension is a form of holding on to something in the body. We might not realize it at the time, but we are usually constricting our breathing, our muscles tighten, and our minds start racing.
Then anger and fear usually kick in. They either want to run or they want to fight. They do not say things like, "let's cool off for a second and see what's really going on here."
Instead they want to burn through our adrenaline until we are exhausted and so tired that we could pass out. We usually say things we don't mean in this space too.
So, surrender. Surrender means giving up and letting go of the need to fight or to run right away. It is the sort of attitude of, "I can stay centered with whatever is happening and be present to whatever is going on inside me at the same time without jumping to any conclusions."
Surrender here is a kind of realizing that the old patterns of fighting or running will never work (unless it is an extreme case of violence or abuse), and that those old mechanisms must be released in favor of something more open.
We can do this while still remaining safe emotionally. We can know that doing so will allow us to see ourselves and our partner more clearly. We can have the joy of observing their good qualities and all the parts of ourselves that need love even in a moment of intensity. We can speak for these parts well, maybe through shaky voices, but still well.
It is not about control. It is about realizing it was never supposed to be about control. It is about love, and loving everything that comes up. That is victory.