Expressing to Connect, Not to Control

All great things happen in moments of uncertainty. A game-winning pitch, asking for a woman's phone number, showing someone work you have labored over not knowing if it will be praised or rejected. In these moments, no doubt, there is a kind of shakiness. We are vulnerable whether or not we want to be. And staying in that space and feeling of vulnerability can be one of the most difficult things to do when other parts of ourselves are screaming for us to get angry and lash out or run away.

But that's not how Championships are won, and that's not how we fall in love.

In my work with couples it's so wonderful to see partners begin to talk with each other in new ways that go beyond their typical patterns. There's a kind of shift to the mood in the room. It's almost as if a "clenching" was loosened up. Partner A says something, perhaps passionately, voice a bit shaky, but getting out their view. And Partner B listens, sometimes a bit hardened in their voice but still staying with the message of Partner A and overall not becoming aggressive or shutting down. I notice something distinct about these couples:

They communicate to connect, not to control the situation.

But the trick is, they have to be vulnerable. They have to stay in the moment of their partner's reactions or responses, as well as hold steady their own internal responses (which if you've ever been in an argument, you know can feel volcanic!).

This takes courage, but it's courage that pays off in a stronger bond.

Expressing one's self to connect rather than control the outcome allows both partners to feel heard and as mentioned, you can feel the tension lighten up in the room. If I say "I'm upset that we haven't been paying our bills on time," and my partner says "Yes, we have been late on a few of them" I'm going to feel immediately pretty good just having been acknowledged. If my partner responds "why do you have to make such a big deal out of a few bills? They'll get paid!" I am going to clench up, and the divide will grow.

But why should people have to use this type of thinking, why can't I just say what I want and my partner deal with it?

I think that's one way to look at it. But it sounds like a recipe for resentment and an explosion later on. What we're talking about here isn't a usual relationship, its an exceptional one. I think we need to ask ourselves at times if we want to do what is easy, or to take a few steps out of our comfort zone and see how that shakiness is actually a place our partner can really hold us.

Best,

-Kevin