Hey! Let’s start with this sentence: “You are so lazy, all you do is sit around all day.”
Wow, so that’s a pretty easy way to start fighting, huh? Like maybe it’s not a huge stretch that the accused would respond with something like, “why do you have to be up my ass all the time?” (this is how we really talk). Then a response could be “I wouldn’t be up your ass if you got it off the couch.”
Etc. to exhaustion.
But wait!
We are a bit smarter now and understand that there are underlying needs hidden in criticisms. In fact, most couples who pay attention to the underlying need in an upset are more likely to get the need itself met.
For example, let’s take that original criticism:
“You are so lazy, all you do is sit around all day.”
How on earth could this contain helpful information about needs? We can figure it out by flipping it to the partner launching the upset’s perspective.
You are so lazy, all you do is sit around all day (becomes)
I am working so hard, all I do is try to get everything done.
We can then assume that the upset partner is actually stressed, overworked, needing help, or needing a sense of companionship in getting things done.
The lazy couch partner then can be helpful by just acknowledging that:
“Ya know, honey, I think you work really hard and you could use some backup.”
This acknowledging allows the original person to be validated where they need it most: in their own needs. It has a calming effect, which is quite pleasant unless you really want to argue.
You can try this out for yourself. What are some criticisms your partner or even you launch that could be flipped to better understand how to take care of you/them?