What is the best way I can take care of you?

We make a lot of efforts to please our partners and give them what we think they want. We go along with their preferences, oftentimes we bend over backwards with gifts, gestures, money, affection, sex, giving them more space, giving them less space, etc. But it still doesn't seem to work. Why?

One reason is oftentimes what we try to give is what we think they want. There has never been a direct and well-communicated answer to this question. We may be giving them fancy dinners but what they actually want is just to share a sunset together outside at a park. So we become frustrated, thinking they are impossible to please. And, by this way of thinking they likely will always be that way.

If you have your thoughts and feelings and beliefs and I have my own, then it would make sense that I should get the best and most up-to-date information straight from the source. Not from my wondering or from trying to force fit an answer, but from asking and listening. We can ask "what is the best way I can take care of you?" Sometimes we find the answer is very different from what we've been trying to do.

But let's go deeper. If we have been frustrated with trying to make our partner happy, it's likely that we carry those feelings of frustration and resentment with us when we interact with our partner. We need to care for those feelings first in ourselves. Maybe we need to say to ourselves, "I've needed to feel effective and helpful with my partner!" And take a deep breath to release some of that held tension.

From that place of us feeling more relaxed and taken care of, we can really listen to our partners and help them feel understood. This helps to generate serotonin in each other which in turn gives a feeling of being balanced and away from negative emotions which makes it much easier to bond with our partner.

So then we ask, "What is the best way I can take care of you?" And while we're at it we should ask, "what's the best way my partner can take care of me?"

When this conversation is a two way street wonderful things happen.