If we want to be closer, learn to let go

Imagine for a moment a time when you have felt upset with someone you cared about. Bring up the feeling inside you and ask yourself how it feels. Is it tense? Is it electrified? Is it a dull ache in your stomach? Is it fire in your arms and shoulders? There's a good chance that it's not relaxed. It feels more like getting ready for a vacation than actually being on the beach. "Where are my sunglasses, Deborah?! You know I have sensitive eyes and the sun is going to kill me unless someone finds my Ray Bans!"

The thing is, it's like that in relationships too. If we are holding on to upsets, we are then constantly putting an obstacle in our way that lets us be close or even intimate with our partner. It's not to say we shouldn't acknowledge the upset (after all, we have to find my Ray Bans don't we, Deb?), but the act of holding on to it is the point. We hold too long. We never get a chance to drop the wall between us and our partner and so we don't have a coming back together.

Researchers call this "negative affect reciprocity." It's a fancy string of words that just means upset people tend to upset other people who then continue to keep upsetting the original person.

Here's where buddhists come in (Oh come on what do monks have to do with Deborah finding my Ray Bans?). Buddhists are pretty much experts of letting go of the need to hold on to upsets. They are able to step back, breathe deeply into their upset, to make the choice to see it as "getting hooked," and to release its hold. As a result this technique allows us to see our partner without the filter of agitation. This presents to us a clarity and an ability to get back to enjoying our partner faster and returning to a feeling of harmony.

We probably all know someone who seems to "float away" when they are upset. Maybe it's even us. But if we want to be close, we need to acknowledge, feel, and let go.

"Deborah, look! They were on top of my head the whole time! The whole time, Deborah!"