When your partner is upset it doesn't mean you're the bad guy

It happens so fast. We've asked for alone time, spent money spontaneously, didn't pick up on something they said earlier, or any other seemingly innocent action and then it happens: they are upset. Sometimes all we can do is see they are upset and immediately want to give in to whatever it is they would like. We placate. Sometimes we want to fight and we are determined to win. We battle. Both are understandable reactions but neither actually helps.

Here's what does.

First, know that when your partner is upset, something will happen inside you very quickly. Likely your muscles will tense up somewhere and then you will tell yourself a story. It could be your gut tightens and suddenly telling yourself, "I've upset him and that's wrong and I shouldn't have my own preferences"; or "she's so unreasonable for never letting me have what I want." Neither story is true or helpful.

What is helpful, rather, is to realize that in that moment the upset partner is worried (even if they look angry) that you do not care about something that is of great value to them. They are having a fast emotional response with their own untrue story. It could be that they worry you don't care about their preferences or their feelings. Likely this is untrue. But the thing is, if we know that it is just that, a worry or concern, then that makes us powerful.

We have the ability to listen and to let them know we are on their side.

We can then relax, and let them know we are not trying to upset them, piss them off, make them feel disregarded. We were just doing something we wanted to do because in our mind it felt right. Furthermore, just because we did something we thought was right doesn't mean their preferences don't count. Usually once a partner feels their spouse cares about what was upsetting to them, the tension will calm down.

It is wise to pause, let go of the need to react, and instead find out what understandable thing your partner is actually upset about, and then validate why that makes sense. Many arguments can be avoided this way and no one has to be the bad guy.