How I work with couples

When a couple first arrives at my office, I want them to feel comfortable, and I want them to feel understood. It is only through a trusted relationship with the therapist that a couple can grow.

I will ask them questions about how they met, or the issues that brought them to therapy, but I will also be looking at their dance in the moment: do they hear each other, do they respond for bids for connection, does there seem to be something between the two of them that prevents closeness? (etc.)

I will facilitate each partner talking to me and each other, clarifying upsets and conflicts, dreams and desires, and begin building a picture in my mind. I will search for themes (unhealed hurts, overfocus on children, difficulty with speaking to one's feelings, wanting your partner to be someone they are not, etc.) and at the end share what I have noticed and the process of how those individuals need to work together to find a new way of being together that gets them closer to what they want in their relationship.

I may recommend only joint sessions with both partners if there is a minimal amount of ambivalence and reactive conflict between them. I may also recommend individual sessions to go alongside joint sessions to help build skills and insight that would otherwise impede healthy connection between partners in the joint sessions.

One thing I have learned is that when each member of a couple takes responsibility for their half of the relationship difficulties and devotes themselves to work on their part, we see beautiful change happen quickly. It is then that I help them get to the "good stuff," or what the relationship is needing to heal or function smoothly.

Interventions may include:

-Readings about healthy couples habits

-Mindfulness techniques to shift from fear and anger to more helpful states

-Guiding partners to speak to each other in helpful ways in session

-Assigning practices outside of session

-Building insight into how each partner contributes to how they are together

-Helping partners understand each other's unique perspective

-Healing hurts/wounds through providing emotional security

Couples therapy proceeds this way for several months, building off of the insights and progress of previous sessions until the couple feels and thinks they are at a place where they can care for the relationship without a third party. Maintenance sessions may be scheduled after this time.

Lastly, does it work? First it is important to say that people are not machines. You cannot just change a person's brain or experience like we change oil or transmission fluid in a car. Part of the process of counseling is helping partners see themselves and their partner more clearly. It is then that the relationship reveals what is best for all involved. Not force fitting, but respecting. Sometimes that is a happier couple, and sometimes that is a couple that decides to go their separate ways. I have seen both. Either can be okay in the context of two healthy adults making the best decision for their lives. It is my job to help sort through the muck to get there.